[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
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ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.