[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
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Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted