My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
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I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Great game to play with friends
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado