13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
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“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Life hack
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.