Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
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Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Hmmmmm
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets