woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
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Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Every photo I’m tagged in
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!