me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
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If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”