when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
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Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
#gardening
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it