Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
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“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Awwwww shit.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
all that yoga finally paid off
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look