I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
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Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.