wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.