Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
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Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]