Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
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Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]