My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
my first dose meeting my second
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Bros before Ohioes
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.