Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
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JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Dietest Coke
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
this is me
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body