When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
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*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Duolingo getting serious.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O