You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
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The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot