Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
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It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
this post was so formative to me
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day