Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Thoughts
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
found this cool rock hiking today
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”