Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
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Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.