me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
c’mon!
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”