*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
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the last thing a carrot sees
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
When you’ve simply given up.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
No regrets in 2018
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Had an epiphany today.