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Dolls on drugs
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
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secret recipe
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.