Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
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The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*