I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
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12. I think about this all the damn time
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*