What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
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I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
getting groceries
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.