How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
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If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me