Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
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Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Worst perfume name ever.