Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
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There is no “ea” in Tim.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too