Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
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I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Nothing to do, you say?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.