[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
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Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
u spoke cat all this time??????
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.