I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?