Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
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A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited