You Might Also Like
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
jesus christ confetti not now
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.