The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
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Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo