There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
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[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters