Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
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i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.