In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
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I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.