Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
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wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.