I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
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Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.