Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
You Might Also Like
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Easy enough.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
oh my gosh!!
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here