Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
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For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
congratulations to them
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?