I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
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It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
multitasking lunch
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Van Gone
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall