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Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Happy Halloween 🎃
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Perfect
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
They got Raph!
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest