Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
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imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.