Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
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*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Hot hot hot 🥵
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!