the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
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i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.