Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
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The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
can’t catch a break
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.