Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
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Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Canada has crack?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did