You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
You Might Also Like
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water